Blossom

Why are we always arguing?

Mon, 14 Sep 2026 21:22:03 GMT

Have you noticed this in your relationship?

You find yourself arguing about stuff that seems so small and irrelevant, but you just can't help yourself. And afterwards you wonder, why are we always arguing about nothing?

I sit with couples who arrive wanting to sort out the argument they had the week before.

Who said what.

Who did what.

Who started it.

The comment in the car. The washing. What was said on Sunday.

And within minutes they're both laying out the facts carefully, because surely, if it's clear enough then the other person would finally understand and agree with them.

20 minutes later they're no closer to a resolution.

Both feeling frustrated. Neither feeling heard.

You may have had this argument before.

Maybe with different words, in a different room, over something else entirely.

The shape of it feels familiar though.

If you've found yourself asking why do we keep bumping up against this same issue,

I want to share something that shifts things for nearly every couple I work with.

The argument is very rarely about the real issue...

I sat with a couple recently who were trying to work out where their communication had gone astray.

They both clearly articulated their versions of the situation (which were different).

They were both genuinely trying to get their points across respectfully.

And they were both tangled in the detail of who was right.

So I pushed a little deeper and asked them a different question…

'What if the issue isn't actually what you're arguing about?'

Two children, having a conversation

Something I've noticed after coaching many couples is that quite often, it's two children in adult bodies having the argument.

I don't mean they're being childish or immature.

I mean that when we're triggered, the part of us that responds first, is usually the part that learned to protect itself a very long time ago. That part is young and it's working with old information.

It's doing the best it can, but it often needs help.

Can you imagine a scared five year old, a humiliated 7 year old or a rebellious 13 year old, dealing with some of the relationship issues we face as adults? This is what often happens when we're triggered.

We don't mean to, but we often project our own stories, beliefs and experiences onto our partner.

This is one way we try to avoid the feelings, the trigger has brought up.

This disconnects us even more and we often end up feeling exactly what we don't want to feel.

The two patterns I see the most...

A pattern I see regularly in relationships is;

A fear of being controlled

A fear of being rejected

This makes for an interesting time when arguments occur.

The one who avoids being controlled can see a request as an instruction. That they're being managed, corrected or told what to do.

Something in the communication feels uncomfortable and the responses can look like; Defensiveness, pushing back, sighing, wanting to please, sulking, stubbornness, leaving the room, disconnecting, adding the request to the list of what feels like 'criticism'

The request itself might be perfectly reasonable. What's answering, is a much older memory, of a time when being told what to do, came with something that hurt, lots of emotion and no ability to say how you felt.

The one who fears rejection can see a tired partner who isn't talkative, as withdrawn, disconnected or not committed to the relationship.

Something in the silence feels uncomfortable and the responses can look like; People pleasing, trying to fix the situation, asking persistent questions like, what's wrong? Have I done something to upset you? Why aren't you talking to me? And then blame, you never tell me…

Taking time out or silence in a relationship is perfectly reasonable too. Once again though, an older memory answers from a time you felt alone, rejected or hurt and you weren't able to process those feelings.

These are the versions that can show up in our relationships.

Do you get a glimmer of the child within you, that shows up at times?

It's difficult to connect in our relationships, when we're connected to a former version of ourselves that is coming from a wounded space.

You might have read the great books on communication. You can know all the right phrases. And in the middle of a triggered moment, none of it will reach you, because the part of you that's talking, isn't the part of you that read the book.

One is protecting itself from being controlled.

One is protecting itself from being left.

And neither can hear the other, because they're both busy staying safe.

AM I SAFE WITH YOU?

That's what makes these arguments so repetitive. You're discussing the dishes, or the schedule, or what was said when you were out with friends, but you're never getting to the real issue.

Underneath all the noise, two small people are asking the same questions in two different languages.

They want to know…

Am I safe with you?

Am I good enough?

Do you love me?

In that moment, the small little child who felt powerless, needs to know these things.

It’s lovely to get this feedback from our partners.

It's also so important and healing to say it to ourselves…

You are safe

You are enough

You are loved

You don't need fixing. You need soothing.

And through the process of self-soothing and reassuring, you reconnect with your adult self and the little version of you begins to feel seen, heard, acknowledged and safe.

How this works in practice...

Notice the moment you begin to react. There's always a moment.

Your chest tightens.

Your voice shifts.

You get fixated.

Your thoughts go into overdrive.

Something goes cold, or hot.

That's the signal and it arrives before the words do.

Name the feeling, not the problem.

Look beneath 'she's doing that thing again' to something more honest.

I feel controlled right now

I feel unlovable right now

I feel alone right now

Say it inwardly, to yourself, in plain words.

Feel it, rather than solve it.

Let it sit in your body for a moment.

This is the bit we all want to skip, and it's the bit that changes so much.

Feel the feelings...

Then take a breath, and another.

In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Reassure the part of you that’s frightened.

You're safe. Nobody's taking anything from you.

You're loved. She's tired, and that's not about you.

It may feel strange to speak to yourself this way. I encourage you to keep going.

Say the things you wish you heard when you first felt controlled or rejected or whatever big emotions you felt.

Notice how you move from 'being the emotions and reacting' to 'feeling and witnessing the emotions and then responding.'

The more you're able to soothe the wounded part of you, the more you'll feel at peace when situations arise that have triggered you in the past. The details will stop mattering so much, because you're no longer trying to win or be right.

You begin to hear your partner more, because you're more present and less caught up in past emotions.

And you get to be curious about each other again, rather than looking for proof that your old emotions are valid.

Your relationship can be a place to heal

I like to think our relationships are the perfect space to heal what wasn't healed while we were growing up and in doing so, connection is cultivated, love flourishes and two adults get to experience a healthy, thriving relationship, while changing patterns so future generations can thrive too.

Are you craving this kind of connection but you're experiencing similar dynamics in your relationship?

I'm here to help gorgeous. This is the work I do with couples. You can start individually, so you each get to understand your own patterns first, and then come together, or you can begin together, either way works and can be truly life changing.

Book a discovery session, I would love to learn more about you and what you desire for your relationship.

Arohanui,

Trace x

If this resonated with you, feel free to share this with a friend.

This might be why you feel guilty, when you stop.

Fri, 28 Aug 2026 00:33:06 GMT

Do you remember a time, when you allowed yourself to be fully supported?

You knew that needing someone was normal.

That rest was part of living, rather than something you had to earn.

Somewhere along the way, you forgot.

Now you sit down, and before your body has even settled, the guilt arrives.

You find yourself asking, honestly, ‘why do I always feel guilty the moment I stop?’

Let me tell you a story and what I whispered to an empty room…

Seven weeks ago I injured my knee.

An MRI found floating cartilage, catching and causing pain.

I slowed down, it was healing.

And then, out of nowhere, it wasn't.

I lay in bed in excruciating pain. I couldn't move. I couldn't get comfortable.

And I said to the empty room, to nobody at all,

"I'll be alright."

I've spent years supporting people to slow down and ask for help.

I've said those words hundreds of times, in hundreds of sessions, with my whole heart behind them.

And still, my very first instinct was to manage it on my own.

I wasn't alright. I needed help.

As I lay there with nowhere to go and nothing to do but feel the pain I discovered...

Guilt lives in the needing.

Beneath what you've been told about being capable.

Beneath the stories you've played on repeat about being the strong one.

Beneath the habits that stopped serving you a long time ago.

There's a belief and it usually sounds something like…

‘I should be able to manage this.’

It feels heavy just writing this.

And it’s learned, which means it can be gently unlearned too.

I whispered into the empty room…

‘Trace you need help’

That's the sentence that bubbled up.

The belief tumbled out instantly after…

‘I’ll be ok’

And again…

‘Trace you need to ask for help’

So I called out.

And Andy didn't hear me.

That gap.

Those few seconds between calling and being heard.

That's where most of us give up.

That's where the old story gets loud again.

Don’t make a fuss… you’ll be ok… you’re being dramatic…

I took a breath and I called again.

‘Hun, I need your help’

He came into the room.

I whispered through clenched teeth, "I need your help."

He asked me what I needed.

I didn't know. I was in too much pain to know.

I think this part is really important and something we all need to remember…

We don't need a tidy request ready before we’re allowed to ask.

We don't need a list.

You don't need to have worked it out first.

"I need help and I don't know what that looks like" is a whole and complete sentence.

Andy helped me get comfortable, slowly.

I cried.

Properly cried, the kind you can't manage or tidy up or explain away.

I had to say stop.

Slow down.

Do this, not that.

I had to be helped and held and adjusted like someone who couldn't do it on her own.

Because I couldn't.

And here's the part that undid me.

Andy was happy to help. He was gentle and compassionate.

Not burdened. Not resentful. Loving.

He wanted to be in that room, doing something useful for the person he loves.

My gratitude for him grew enormously in that moment.

And something else grew too. Something I'm still sitting with.

Deeper compassion. For myself.

The remembering that it's okay to need people.

That when you let someone help you, you're handing them something.

People want to feel needed.

They want to be able to give.

Every time we say "I'm fine," we close a door that someone who loves us is standing right outside of.

The crying mattered as much as the asking.

We get so skilled at managing pain.

We name it.

We understand it.

We explain exactly where it came from.

And then we carry on, with all that awareness, and the pain sits precisely where it always was.

Feeling it is a different thing altogether.

Feeling it happens in the body.

And pain comes in so many forms.

Physical, like a knee that gives way without warning.

Mental, like the loop of thoughts at 3am that won't settle.

Emotional, like the grief or the resentment you've been too busy to look at.

Spiritual, like the sense that something's missing and you can't name it.

They all want the same thing from you.

To be felt…

That's the move from understanding to embodying.

Your body softening, finally, into what your mind has known for some time.

If you take one thing from me today, let it be this…

Your guilt isn't evidence that you're failing.

Your exhaustion isn't either.

It doesn’t mean you’re not worthy.

Or that you should get up and do more and not ask for and accept support.

They're evidence that you've been holding it on your own for a very long time, and that somewhere along the way the holding became who you thought you had to be.

You're allowed to put it down.

You're allowed to call out.

And to call out again, when nobody hears you the first time.

You're allowed to say "I need help" without knowing what help looks like.

You're allowed to cry in front of the people who love you, and let them stay in the room.

You’re allowed to cry in front of people you don’t know too.

And when you do, something beautiful happens.

The people around you get to feel needed.

Your relationships get more honest.

Your whānau (family) get to see what real looks like.

And all that compassion you give away so freely, all day, to everyone else?

It finally comes home to you.

There is no one on this entire planet who carries what you carry, in the way that you carry it.

Your care is a gift.

Your presence is a gift.

The way you make people feel is a gift.

So let yourself be given to, as generously as you give to others.

If you do one thing today, let it be this.

Ask for the help and then let someone give it to you.

This is the heart of my book Hononga, a guide to a more connected, satisfying and authentic life. Connection with yourself, with the people you love, and with the wisdom you're already holding.

Are you ready to let go of guilt and allow yourself to be supported?

Arohanui,

Trace x

If this resonated with you, feel free to share this with a friend.

Beyond Your Walls - tips to break down emotional barriers.

Thu, 13 Nov 2025 07:54:25 GMT

Have you ever felt your heart physically hurt? Like someone is squeezing the life out of you?

It might be a lost love, a work break-up, a friendship that ends, a traumatic upbringing, infidelity, or even something someone said, which crushed your confidence. An automatic response in situations like these, is to push your feelings down and build walls around your heart. Protective mechanisms, which you hope will dim your pain and keep you from experiencing similar pain again.

From your guarded fortress, you may become less trusting (this is understandable) and sceptical. You might stay busy, help everyone else, isolate yourself or work extra hard to prove that you’re fine. You’ll most-likely find all the evidence you need, to confirm that you have to protect yourself; that if you don’t, it will happen again.

You probably know that your mind can tell real doozy’s. You can have arguments in your head, assume things about people without even knowing them, pull up old stories about situations that are similar and justify why you’re acting the way you do.

The mind is fascinating and can be a powerful tool that can support you in the most beautiful ways. It’s also a bloody good liar; especially when you want to step outside your comfort zone or lean into relationships or opportunities, where there’s a possibility you could get hurt again.

Here’s the thing, placing walls around your heart, makes it really hard to decipher what is fact and what’s fiction.

In Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life, Louise refers to the stomach as, holding nourishment and digesting food and ideas. I would add, it also digests our experiences, thoughts and feelings. So what happens, when we don’t digest what we experience?

She goes on to explain that our heart doesn’t only pump blood through our body. The Heart is the centre of love and security. What are we stopping ourselves from experiencing, when our heart is guarded while we’re hiding in our fortress?

I clearly remember a time when I went into protection mode after being hurt. I stated very clearly that ‘I would never let anyone hurt me again.’ When I voiced this declaration, I instantly built walls around myself and stayed attached to life being painful and unsafe. This had its problems too. While I kept my guard up, I wasn’t cultivating more trust in myself and others, I was hiding from past hurts and unknown fears. I also wasn't fully connected to the joy that I now feel on a regular basis and when I look back, I wanted to feel loved, but I pushed it away and came across quite ungrateful.

Our stomach and heart are deeply connected to our senses, including our intuition. When we shut down these powerfully intuitive, intrinsically connected areas of our body, it’s hard to make decisions and open up to different experiences.

Ever experienced a gut feeling that you can’t deny and you have to honour it? Smelt food that makes your mouth water? Notice how excited you get when your loved one comes home? Felt absolute gratitude within your body, for a simple moment of pleasure, like a sunset, a smile from a baby, or a hug that feels delicious?

These are our feelings and sensations which send you messages.

These senses also help you…

Decipher the feeling in a room when you enter.
The undertone, beneath conversations.
The aura of a person, when you first meet them.
Whether a house or job feels right.
When you’re out of alignment, with your values.
The difference between green and red flags.
Whether certain foods are good or bad for you.
Which road to take when you're lost.

To shut down these incredibly, intuitive aspects of yourself, is to drive down a winding road, wearing the wrong type of prescription glasses and everything seems blurry. You don’t get a clear perspective and so confusion occurs and old stories take over.

So how do you reawaken the parts of yourself, that have been shut down?

Quite often when I ask someone how they feel about a situation, they often mention what they think. When I bring their awareness to this, they often say ‘I don’t know how I feel.’

Noticing how you feel and your sensations in different situations, is a great way to start reawakening your inner wisdom.

Observe how being in nature makes you feel, how putting your feet in the moana/ocean feels. Notice how you feel around your loved ones or the atrocities which are unfolding in the world. How do you feel when you’re around people who trigger you? Observe how you feel when you keep quiet when you have something to say, or when you allow your authenticity out to play. Notice how you feel when you dance, win, lose, begin and then finish a yoga class, eat a delicious meal, embrace your loved ones or think about the heartbreak you’ve experienced.

Begin to...

Notice what you're feeling.
Acknowledge your feelings.
Observe how your body responds to your feelings. (heart racing, energised, tight tummy, sweaty palms, relaxed or tense...).
Breathe slowly, inhaling right down into your belly and then slowly exhaling.

Do your feelings ramp up or do you become more settled, once you’ve acknowledged them.

Notice when you try and hold back your tears and then how you feel after you’ve let them flow.

Observe the difference when you avoid your anger and then allow it to be felt.

Notice when you feel anxious and how you begin to react.

Reassure yourself… it’s ok, I’ve got you, you are safe…

I learned the other day that most feelings only last for about 90 seconds. The thing that intensifies them, is often the stories we attach to our feelings.

Take time to focus on your stomach and heart. Place your hands on these areas regularly. Send them love and gratitude. Begin to listen to the subtle and sometimes strong messages they give you.

The more you tune in and honour your intuitive centres, the more you’ll become aware of the guidance they’re providing.

Remember your mind isn’t all bad. When you can make decisions using all three of these areas; mind, heart, stomach, you’ll have a highly intuitive tool that guides you throughout your life.

They’ll be no need to keep your walls up, because you’ll trust yourself to make decisions which support you. From here you’ll experience more joy, creativity, fulfilling connections and opportunities, that can only be found, outside the walls you once built around yourself.

Check in with yourself right now, what are you feeling?

If you'd like more support to explore your inner wisdom, break down your walls and embrace more of life, reach out below x

Running, it isn't always healthy.

Thu, 23 Oct 2025 03:44:48 GMT

I went for a run, for about five minutes and then I realised...

I was running away from my feelings. Sadness about losing Zeus, worrying about a friend who’s struggling, frustration about how I reacted to a situation, impatience that things aren’t moving faster, feelings of distrust and also fear for the future… there were quite a few emotions, racing around in this head of mine.

I stopped running. Ok, I didn’t just stop because I realised I was running away from my feelings, my knees didn’t particularly like running either. My awareness about my feelings however, was important. I knew I needed to be present to my internal storm, rather than try to avoid it.

So, I walked; first I bumped into a couple who live in my neighbourhood. They have two dogs and I gratefully enjoyed snuggles with their Rottweiler. It felt so good to feel his fur, hear his panting and look into his big brown eyes. They also shared some beautiful thoughts around losing our furry friends that gave me comfort…

‘don’t grieve for me, you gave me the best life’

I continued on and began to notice the bird life, the old puriri trees, the soft breeze and the sun breaking through the canopy. Beauty began to bring lightness into my uneasiness. Almost untangling my pent-up emotions and constricted ways of thinking, so they were easier to assimilate. I continued to follow the track out to the beach. As I arrived, I noticed the tide was at its lowest. The sand rippled, like I imagine the unseen vibrations we send into the Universe, through our thoughts, words and actions.

I continued on and came to the cliffs, where pohutukawa trees cling precariously above, their red flowers beginning to appear, just like every other summer. Rocks and debris which were unable to hold on, lay shattered below. The different layers of earth, create patterns on the cliff face, a timeline and a reminder of the depth of our beautiful Papatūānuku (Māmā Earth).

A kōtare (kingfisher) swoops down and lands on a rock, 30 or so metres in front of me. We greet each other, well I say hello. It stays put, as I walk closer and then it opens its gorgeous blue wings and flies to a branch on the side of the cliff. It looks at me, then towards the top of the cliff. It repeats this action a couple of times, like it wants me to look up there too. I do so, taking in the view of the steep rock face and the vibrant blue sky above.

I continued on, finding a spot to practice my morning rituals and then once I’m done, I wonder to the entrance of the ngahere (forest). I take a moment before climbing the steep stairs, making my way through the native flora.

I hear and then see a kererū (wood pigeon) just before I enter a part of the ngahere that is extra quiet. The peace I feel, urges me to walk gentler upon the whenua (land), slower and more conscious. I sense the mauri (life force) in this area more so and feel myself become more connected; a part of the ngahere. I honour the trees and then walk on to a look out, soaking up the splendid view. I continue down the stairs, and onto the beach, where the ripples from the waves are still imprinted upon the sand.

I returned to the track and wonder home. My thoughts are no longer in turmoil and my emotions don’t resemble a tangled ball of twine anymore. There is a peace that now settles upon me and I can see life more clearly. I notice an empty can of iced tea, tossed aside, laying empty upon the whenua. I pick it up, put it in the rubbish bin and make my way home.

So many tohu (signs)

People reminding me of the good life Zeus had.

The rottweiler, who pushed at me for snuggles, like Zeus used to.

Ripples upon the sand, like my thoughts and language spreading across the land.

Pohutukawa flowers, reminding me that seasons change and to trust the process.

Shattered rocks, a symbolism to let go, that not every burden is mine to carry.

Kererū and kōtare reminding me to look up and that I’m supported on the physical and spiritual planes.

The quiet ngahere, pulling me into the present moment - more conscious, becoming one with my surroundings.

The taiao (nature) has helped change how I feel within and returned me to my natural state. It’s helped hold my grief, replenish my thoughts, soothe my fears, awaken my compassion and brought more peace to my wairua (spirit).

Nature has a way of doing this. When we step outside, without the EarPods, podcasts, music and simply allow ourselves to be immersed in the beauty.

Are you a nature lover too?

If you had to choose between the ngahere, maunga (mountain) or moana (ocean)/awa (rivers), which would you choose?

I’m asking, but I’m not sure I can choose between the moana and ngahere!

If you think people would enjoy my musings, I’d love you to share them x

Love Letters To...

Wed, 22 Oct 2025 05:43:10 GMT

Have You Ever Received A Love Letter?

Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like, if we wrote love letters to ourselves each morning...

If an internal greeting of affection and reflection, was our very first connection.

If we wrote words of love, encouragement and hope, instead of never-ending to-do lists.

And we tended to our fears and frustrations, by pouring them onto the pages.
Would we no-longer project them onto our loved ones, colleagues or even a stranger?

Imagine if we acknowledged our resentment, guilt and the unhelpful stories, which swirl within our mind.

Would we feel less anxious and our mind more creative?

Would our body become less tense and might we have more time?

Would we begin to see ourselves differently and would this change of perspective, change how we see others?

Imagine if the people that trigger us, became our biggest teachers, and our relationships deepened.

Imagine releasing our negative beliefs upon the pages...

I'm alone.

It's my fault.

I'm a failure.

I'm unloveable.

I'm not good enough.

Would we begin to see ourselves as whole?

Would love blossom and compassion grow?

Imagine if our self-talk became kinder and our affirmations, a breeze to speak out loud.

I'm worthy.

I'm supported.

I forgive myself.

I'm loveable as I am.

I am good enough and always have been.

Imagine how our love letters would change over time...

Getting easier to write and more believable to feel...

Would we begin to fully acknowledge our strengths and sacred gifts.

Express promises, that encourage and uplift?

Imagine owning our uniqueness, embracing both, our darkness and our light.

Giving ourselves full permission, to step into what feels right.

Imagine all the knowledge that we've gained, transforming into knowing.

Our intuition guiding us, to where we're born to be.

Imagine speaking our truth, even when we're scared.

And going after our dreams, because they're no longer just thoughts in our heads.

Our love letters would change overtime, because we wouldn't be the same.

Our clarity and confidence would have grown and our worthiness reclaimed,

Imagine as we wrote, we gained awareness of all our stages.

And wildflowers began to sprout upon our well-used pages.

Come sit down, pull out your journal and allow your words to flow.

Let your love letters guide you. There is no rush. You’re simply returning home.

Tracy x

Cultivating more self-love can be a vulnerable space to explore.

Yet this is what I know for sure...

Self-love is a healer, a connector and a miracle worker.

It's also a doorway, to so much of what you crave within your life.

Would you like to get started and would like some support?
I'm here and I'd love to support you x

Photo by Julia Joppien on Unsplash

Try these four things to improve your relationship.

Thu, 18 Jul 2024 03:31:00 GMT

Often when you heal your wounds or at least become aware of them, the things that used to trigger you, can have less of an impact over time. This makes for a more loving and connected relationship.

There’s a mutual attraction.

Something draws you together.

You seem to share similar values.

Laugh at the same jokes.

Your friends think you make an amazing couple.

You’re both on cloud nine.

Over time situations occur which slightly deflate your love bubble.

You begin to struggle with the way your partner…

Reacts to situations.
Doesn’t listen and becomes defensive.
Walks out when you get into challenging conversations.
Is different, than when you first started seeing one another.

Situations become more challenging and finally your love bubble bursts.

You’re hurt. You begin to pull away or hold on tighter and you try everything in your power to make things better. Your relationship improves for a while and then, once again you’re back in the same loop. It’s good and then it’s not and you have no idea what to do.

You start to think, ‘it’s just not meant to be. Maybe I missed the signs at the beginning. Why does it have to be so hard?’

Your confidence feels crushed.

You don’t know how to fix things.

Everything begins to point to your relationship coming to an end.

Relationships can be so challenging. They’re often where your unhealed wounds will arise.

• The rejection you felt as a child.
• The hurt you experienced from a bully.
• The humiliation you suffered at school.
• The fear you felt, from the conflict you grew up within.

There are so many experiences that you may have felt in your younger years, which lay dormant until the perfect person comes along and reawakens them. That perfect person is often your number one. The person who made you feel so good at the beginning of your relationship.

Now they trigger the rejection, humiliation, hurt or fear that you felt as a child. Your unhealed wounds are opened wide and you’re left scampering, trying to ‘fix’ what you see as the problem. Which you often think is your partner. This is understandable, you haven’t felt your uncomfortable feelings for a long time and the link to them resurfacing, is your partner. Of course, this is where you have to place your focus.

Here’s the thing, getting your partner to change will pacify your triggers for a certain amount of time. Sooner or later though, your partner won’t be able to live up to your expectations and you’ll be triggered right back into the feelings you’ve tried to avoid.

Making your partner fully responsible for the way you feel within your relationships, will be a short-term fix. This dynamic can’t last forever and overtime the pressure becomes too much for the both of you and the relationship often crumbles.

This is when couples choose to go their own way. This decision can be for the best. They’re no longer at the mercy of wild emotions, hurtful outbursts and a toxic environment.

Some couples will see a small light at the end of the tunnel and decide to persevere. Nothing really changes though, yet it’s not bad enough to leave and so they struggle on.

Then there are couples that choose to ride the waves together, overcoming the storms and discovering a deeper, more satisfying connection through the process.

Here’s 4 things that these couples do differently…

They understand that relationships aren’t perfect, that sometimes they’re actually messy and this doesn’t mean they’re not worth working on.
They self-reflect, enabling them to see when their old feelings have been triggered and are driving their reactions.
They acknowledge and self-regulate, enabling them to respond, rather than react to the situation at hand.
They have individual interests and understand that this is healthy for their own well-being and the well-being of their relationship.

By doing these 4 things…

They’re more present.
They’re open to feedback.
They cultivate connection.
They practice vulnerability.
They don’t have to be right.
They know they’re not perfect.
They own their part in the problem.
They don’t blame their partner for how they feel.
They choose to respond as much as possible, rather than react.
Sometimes they forget all of the above, yet they reconnect as soon as possible.

Think about your own childhood for a moment. There would have been situations where your needs weren’t met, you didn’t receive the words you longed for or the comfort or safety you craved.

Often when you’re triggered in your relationship, you’re unconsciously trying to 1. Avoid similar feelings to when you were growing up 2. Trying to get your old unmet needs, met.

Without the awareness you can think it’s your partner that’s the problem and so you try fix what you feel is wrong so you no longer feel triggered.

A more empowering way to overcome the challenges in your relationship, is to acknowledge the feelings that are whirling within you and give yourself what you needed growing up.

It could be…

Words of affirmations.
Safety and security.
Stronger boundaries.
More self-care.
To be believed in.

By leaning into your internal world and making it a safe and comforting space, you have the ability to heal your wounds and in doing so, show up differently in your relationship.

Often when you heal your wounds or at least become aware of them, the things that used to trigger you, have less of an impact. This makes for a more loving and connected relationship.

Sometimes this can take a lot of perseverance and you may need extra support. Giving yourself what you needed growing up, can be a great place to start and can make a huge difference.

Here’s some questions that might help…

What wound might your partner be triggering within you?
Can you see a connection between your triggered feelings and how you felt as a child?
What did you need when you felt this way as a child?
How could you give this to yourself now?

Take some time to journal about these questions and go easy on yourself, healing takes time, yet in the long run it’s so, so worth it.

(It’s not only your intimate relationship that can trigger your childhood wounds. It could be a colleague, boss, child, parent or friend. All relationships have the ability to trigger our wounds and help us to heal.)

Right now, that person might be your biggest trigger, but as you do your inner work, they could become your biggest teacher and help transform your relationship to a whole new level of satisfaction.

What’s one thing you could do to support your relationship right now?

Would you like to discuss the information in this blog further? Book yourself a free discovery session.

10 benefits you’ll get from coaching

Fri, 11 Aug 2023 02:28:00 GMT

& the 1 big thing you can do right now, to help yourself!

1. Self-awareness:

Coaching helps you gain awareness. It shines a light on the parts of you, that may be holding you back and also on your strengths. With these insights, you have the power to change your thinking and your behaviours which will ultimately change your life.

2. Heard:

Coaching is your fly on a wall, that listens to everything you’re saying, and reflects it back to you. Unlike the fly that leaves poop on your ceiling, coaching helps you clean up your poop, so you have more time to do the things you love.

3. Accountability:

You’re more likely to do what you say you’re going to do, when you have someone else holding you accountable. A coach helps you stick to your goals, especially when things get tough.

4. Cheerleader:

Everyone needs people on their team. Your coach will encourage you and believe in you, especially when you’re taking those big steps, changing things for the better and when your fears are at their loudest.

5. Mindful:

Coaching supports you to feel more grounded and empowered during the tough times. Rather than feeling like you’re being blown about in the storms of life, you’ll create resilience and stability enabling you to respond, rather than react to life.

6. Perspective:

Coaching will help you open your mind to new possibilities, together you’ll brainstorm, find the solutions to your challenges and develop a plan to get you to where you want to go.

7. Toolbox:

You’ll cultivate a toolbox filled with resources and tools which you can draw on to support you both personally and professionally. What you learn, you’ll utilise for the rest of your life.

8. Identify:

Coaching will provide assessments, which will help you identify your key needs, values and other qualities, which will empower you to live more aligned with your strengths and your inner genius, enabling you to experience more satisfaction and live with more purpose.

9. Cultivate:

Coaching will help you develop your communication skill’s so you experience more depth, connection and joy in your relationships. It will also help you to work through the challenges you face in your relationships.

10. Development:

Coaching will help you develop strong foundations, to grow your beautiful life on. It will help you to cultivate your self-love, self-worth, self-belief and self-expression, all key ingredients for a deeply satisfying life.

The benefits of owning your unique qualities.

Thu, 10 Aug 2023 23:56:00 GMT

Sometimes we get so comfy in our natural qualities, that as we move into different areas of our life, we continue to show up this way. These qualities may have been helpful in one area, like work, yet can hinder our experiences and relationships in others.

We draw on many different qualities during our day, some come naturally to us, like the highly driven woman who is focused, assertive, disciplined and capable, or the creative spirit, who finds is easy to be spontaneous, adaptable, tender and trusting.

Let’s take the highly driven woman, who has left work for the day. She arrives home, still embracing the qualities which supported her to get shit done through her day. She’s completed loads of tasks, organised her team and their upcoming projects and sat through a meeting, holding her space, where the ratio of women in the room, was far less than her male counterparts. She’s been on the go all day!

The qualities which have supported her throughout the day, are far from what she needs to now embody with her partner, yet she’s in these environments regularly and these qualities work for her. So as the evening unfolds, she finds herself staying within the confines of being focused, assertive, disciplined and capable. Her partner wants to help with dinner, she pushes him aside and is on a mission. He then tries to hug her; she’s focused on tidying up, she eats her dinner fast and effectively just like she works and when she finally hops into bed, sex is the last thing on her mind and any intimacy is dismissed.

She wants more connection, to be playful and spontaneous, yet the qualities she’s embodying lean towards a different outcome..

Now let’s take the creative spirit, she moves through life with an air of playfulness, shiny, sparkling things catch her attention often. She’s loving and supportive, able to adapt easily and people love the way she can bring ease and flow to stressful situations. She has big beautiful dreams that she would love to achieve, yet she never stays focused long enough to see them come to fruition. She wonders if success is for her and doubts her ability.

She wishes she was more focused and disciplined and could just be committed to fulfilling her wildest dreams, yet her behaviours and the qualities she’s so comfortable in, are sabotaging her success.

Both of these examples, show two different women who have incredible qualities. We can see how they complement their uniqueness and support them throughout their life. Yet other qualities which don’t come as naturally could support them even further.

Imagine the highly driven woman arriving home to her husband, and drawing on qualities like spontaneity, ease, flow or tenderness. She may experience more connection, laughter and intimacy within her relationship from this space.

Or the creative spirit, drawing on qualities like discipline, focus, boundaries and courage which could empower her to commit to a goal and see it to fruition.

We can be unaware that we’re not allowing more of what we want into our lives due to the way we’re being. We can think our partner is being dismissive or we haven’t found the right dream yet, when actually if we tweaked some of our behaviours, we’d get to create more of what we desire.

Sometimes we get so comfy in our natural qualities, that as we move into different areas of our life, we continue to show up this way. These qualities may have been helpful in one area, like work, yet can hinder our experiences and relationships in others.

She wants more connection, to be playful and spontaneous, yet the qualities she’s embodying lean towards a different outcome.

She wishes she was more focused and disciplined and could just be committed to fulfilling her wildest dreams, yet her behaviours and the qualities she’s so comfortable in, are sabotaging her success.

If you want to own your unique qualities more, Tracy’s article about mindfulness, self-care and daily rituals featured in The House of Wellness magazine and Stuff, is a great place to start!

Think of an area of your life you’d love to improve.

What qualities do you have that sabotage or hinder this area?
What qualities could you embrace more, which could improve this area?
Explore you and your qualities, which ones have you simmered down or outright rejected and why?
Which ones do you need to simmer down, so you can embrace others?
Is there a quality you would love to let go of and one you’d like to own more of?

You are unique and so, so incredible, have a play with this and notice what unfolds, and if you’re keen to explore this topic further then please get in touch! I’d love to support you!

The benefits Of Being Creative

Sat, 11 Jun 2022 09:38:00 GMT

For years I didn’t believe that I was creative. I saw so many people around me creating beauty with their hands, a paint brush, clay, a pencil, in their kitchen, and through their businesses. I saw creativity everywhere. I wished, longed for and dreamed of being creative, yet nothing ever seemed to unfold as I imagined.

There was however, one place where time stood still and I could lose myself. It often happened early in the morning or late at night. Then I found it happening after I’d worked with a client or overcome a challenge. This place was in the pages of my journals. Often my pen could not keep up with the steam of thoughts that flowed from my mind, down my arm, into my hand and finally upon the pages. At times I’d read the words I’d written and wonder where they came from.

But then like a sunset slowly disappearing beneath the horizon, the connection between my inner world and my pen would disappear. And once again, I would find myself wishing, longing and dreaming of being fully immersed in a world of creative words.

I’ve found that allowing my words to flow freely, has given me the freedom to forgive, heal and grow. It’s not that I have spoken these words to my rivals and given them the gift of forgiveness. I have simply written about what occurred and in doing so, uncovered the truth of why I have found myself in these situations. It is awareness that has allowed me to forgive, myself. And as I let go of the shame, the pain and the sorrow, I heal and I grow too.

Sometimes when I’m upset or triggered, I grab my pen and journal. As my thoughts pour out, the pages I fill, become damp with tears of frustration. The more I write, the less I cry and everything becomes clearer. It’s as if with each word written, my mind and body is emptied and then replenished with newfound awareness and optimism.

I’ve found that writing about my hopes and dreams, allows me to imagine so much more than if I kept my wishes locked within my mind. As my pen flows across the page, excitement bubbles up within my belly, rises and unlocks my heart and from this space my mind is wide open, to so many possibilities.

Yes maybe there is a chance that creativity hasn’t bypassed me, because to believe that I am not creative, is to dismiss, the awareness, the healing and the growth, which has unfolded, as I’ve honoured the words that rise up to be heard.

Daily rituals to better your well being

Wed, 01 Sep 2021 01:47:00 GMT

We can’t change the situations around us however we can change the way we respond to them. By developing self-care rituals which cultivate a deeper connection to our conscious self, your life will unfold in the most spectacular ways.

The power of coaching

Mon, 10 May 2021 00:00:00 GMT

Ever wondered how coaching can support you? Have a read below, where Janelle, one of Tracy’s clients shares how coaching supported her…

Featured in Stuff.co.nz - Read the article here

Commit to you

Mon, 01 Mar 2021 19:49:00 GMT

I find it interesting that we can be very consistent when it comes to complaining about our problems, sometimes unaware we’re even doing it. So how about we practice a consistent ritual, which enhances life.

Follow your heart, not the crowds

Wed, 09 Sep 2020 02:47:00 GMT

Many years ago, when I first moved away from my hometown, I decided to study Kinesiology. For approximately three and a half years I spent one weekend a month and every Monday, in class. I also studied from home and with other students.

The truth behind people pleasing…

Mon, 20 Jul 2020 00:18:00 GMT

I asked some people to describe someone they thought of as a manipulative person. Interestingly, the response I got was ‘someone who is controlling’.

Mental Health Awareness

Wed, 03 Jun 2020 23:17:00 GMT

‘25 push-ups for 25 days’ An initiative to support people struggling with mental illness by staying active and making it OK to talk about the struggles people are facing.

Blossom

Why are we always arguing?

Have you noticed this in your relationship?

The argument is very rarely about the real issue...

Two children, having a conversation

The two patterns I see the most...

How this works in practice... ﻿

Your relationship can be a place to heal

This might be why you feel guilty, when you stop.

Do you remember a time, when you allowed yourself to be fully supported?

You knew that needing someone was normal.

That rest was part of living, rather than something you had to earn. ﻿

If you do one thing today, let it be this.

Ask for the help and then let someone give it to you.

Beyond Your Walls - tips to break down emotional barriers.

Have you ever felt your heart physically hurt? Like someone is squeezing the life out of you?

Running, it isn't always healthy.

I went for a run, for about five minutes and then I realised...

Love Letters To...

Have You Ever Received A Love Letter? ﻿

Try these four things to improve your relationship.

Often when you heal your wounds or at least become aware of them, the things that used to trigger you, can have less of an impact over time. This makes for a more loving and connected relationship.

You’re hurt. You begin to pull away or hold on tighter and you try everything in your power to make things better. Your relationship improves for a while and then, once again you’re back in the same loop. It’s good and then it’s not and you have no idea what to do.

Making your partner fully responsible for the way you feel within your relationships, will be a short-term fix. This dynamic can’t last forever and overtime the pressure becomes too much for the both of you and the relationship often crumbles.

﻿

Here’s 4 things that these couples do differently…

By doing these 4 things…

A more empowering way to overcome the challenges in your relationship, is to acknowledge the feelings that are whirling within you and give yourself what you needed growing up.

Often when you heal your wounds or at least become aware of them, the things that used to trigger you, have less of an impact. This makes for a more loving and connected relationship.

Here’s some questions that might help…

What’s one thing you could do to support your relationship right now?

Would you like to discuss the information in this blog further? Book yourself a free discovery session.

10 benefits you’ll get from coaching

& the 1 big thing you can do right now, to help yourself!

The benefits of owning your unique qualities.

Sometimes we get so comfy in our natural qualities, that as we move into different areas of our life, we continue to show up this way. These qualities may have been helpful in one area, like work, yet can hinder our experiences and relationships in others.

She wants more connection, to be playful and spontaneous, yet the qualities she’s embodying lean towards a different outcome..

She wants more connection, to be playful and spontaneous, yet the qualities she’s embodying lean towards a different outcome.

She wishes she was more focused and disciplined and could just be committed to fulfilling her wildest dreams, yet her behaviours and the qualities she’s so comfortable in, are sabotaging her success.

Think of an area of your life you’d love to improve.

You are unique and so, so incredible, have a play with this and notice what unfolds, and if you’re keen to explore this topic further then please get in touch! I’d love to support you!

The benefits Of Being Creative

Daily rituals to better your well being

The power of coaching

Ever wondered how coaching can support you? Have a read below, where Janelle, one of Tracy’s clients shares how coaching supported her…

Commit to you

I find it interesting that we can be very consistent when it comes to complaining about our problems, sometimes unaware we’re even doing it. So how about we practice a consistent ritual, which enhances life.

Follow your heart, not the crowds

Many years ago, when I first moved away from my hometown, I decided to study Kinesiology. For approximately three and a half years I spent one weekend a month and every Monday, in class. I also studied from home and with other students.

The truth behind people pleasing…

I asked some people to describe someone they thought of as a manipulative person. Interestingly, the response I got was ‘someone who is controlling’.

Mental Health Awareness

‘25 push-ups for 25 days’ An initiative to support people struggling with mental illness by staying active and making it OK to talk about the struggles people are facing.

How this works in practice...

That rest was part of living, rather than something you had to earn.

Have You Ever Received A Love Letter?