I sit with couples who arrive wanting to sort out the argument they had the week before.

Who said what.

Who did what.

Who started it.

The comment in the car. The washing. What was said on Sunday. 

And within minutes they're both laying out the facts carefully, because surely, if it's clear enough then the other person would finally understand and agree with them.

20 minutes later they're no closer to a resolution.

Both feeling frustrated. Neither feeling heard.

You may have had this argument before.

Maybe with different words, in a different room, over something else entirely.

The shape of it feels familiar though.

If you've found yourself asking why do we keep bumping up against this same issue, 

I want to share something that shifts things for nearly every couple I work with.

The argument is very rarely about the real issue...

I sat with a couple recently who were trying to work out where their communication had gone astray.

They both clearly articulated their versions of the situation (which were different).

They were both genuinely trying to get their points across respectfully.

And they were both tangled in the detail of who was right.

So I pushed a little deeper and asked them a different question…

'What if the issue isn't actually what you're arguing about?'

Two children, having a conversation

Something I've noticed after coaching many couples is that quite often, it's two children in adult bodies having the argument.

I don't mean they're being childish or immature.

I mean that when we're triggered, the part of us that responds first, is usually the part that learned to protect itself a very long time ago. That part is young and it's working with old information.

It's doing the best it can, but it often needs help.

Can you imagine a scared five year old, a humiliated 7 year old or a rebellious 13 year old, dealing with some of the relationship issues we face as adults? This is what often happens when we're triggered.

We don't mean to, but we often project our own stories, beliefs and experiences onto our partner.

This is one way we try to avoid the feelings, the trigger has brought up.

This disconnects us even more and we often end up feeling exactly what we don't want to feel.

The two patterns I see the most...

A pattern I see regularly in relationships is;

A fear of being controlled

A fear of being rejected

This makes for an interesting time when arguments occur.

The one who avoids being controlled can see a request as an instruction. That they're being managed, corrected or told what to do.

Something in the communication feels uncomfortable and the responses can look like; Defensiveness, pushing back, sighing, wanting to please, sulking, stubbornness, leaving the room, disconnecting, adding the request to the list of what feels like 'criticism'

The request itself might be perfectly reasonable. What's answering, is a much older memory, of a time when being told what to do, came with something that hurt, lots of emotion and no ability to say how you felt.

The one who fears rejection can see a tired partner who isn't talkative, as withdrawn, disconnected or not committed to the relationship.

Something in the silence feels uncomfortable and the responses can look like; People pleasing, trying to fix the situation, asking persistent questions like, what's wrong? Have I done something to upset you? Why aren't you talking to me? And then blame, you never tell me…

Taking time out or silence in a relationship is perfectly reasonable too. Once again though, an older memory answers from a time you felt alone, rejected or hurt and you weren't able to process those feelings.

These are the versions that can show up in our relationships.

Do you get a glimmer of the child within you, that shows up at times?

It's difficult to connect in our relationships, when we're connected to a former version of ourselves that is coming from a wounded space.

You might have read the great books on communication. You can know all the right phrases. And in the middle of a triggered moment, none of it will reach you, because the part of you that's talking, isn't the part of you that read the book.

One is protecting itself from being controlled.

One is protecting itself from being left.

And neither can hear the other, because they're both busy staying safe.

AM I SAFE WITH YOU?

That's what makes these arguments so repetitive. You're discussing the dishes, or the schedule, or what was said when you were out with friends, but you're never getting to the real issue.

Underneath all the noise, two small people are asking the same questions in two different languages.

They want to know…

Am I safe with you?

Am I good enough?

Do you love me?

In that moment, the small little child who felt powerless, needs to know these things.

It’s lovely to get this feedback from our partners.



It's also so important and healing to say it to ourselves…

You are safe

You are enough

You are loved

You don't need fixing. You need soothing.

And through the process of self-soothing and reassuring, you reconnect with your adult self and the little version of you begins to feel seen, heard, acknowledged and safe.

How this works in practice...

Notice the moment you begin to react. There's always a moment.

Your chest tightens. 

Your voice shifts. 

You get fixated. 

Your thoughts go into overdrive. 

Something goes cold, or hot.

That's the signal and it arrives before the words do.

Name the feeling, not the problem.

Look beneath 'she's doing that thing again' to something more honest.

I feel controlled right now

I feel unlovable right now

I feel alone right now

Say it inwardly, to yourself, in plain words.

Feel it, rather than solve it.

Let it sit in your body for a moment.

This is the bit we all want to skip, and it's the bit that changes so much.

Feel the feelings...

Then take a breath, and another. 

In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Reassure the part of you that’s frightened.

You're safe. Nobody's taking anything from you.

You're loved. She's tired, and that's not about you.

It may feel strange to speak to yourself this way. I encourage you to keep going.

Say the things you wish you heard when you first felt controlled or rejected or whatever big emotions you felt.

Notice how you move from 'being the emotions and reacting' to 'feeling and witnessing the emotions and then responding.'

The more you're able to soothe the wounded part of you, the more you'll feel at peace when situations arise that have triggered you in the past. The details will stop mattering so much, because you're no longer trying to win or be right.

You begin to hear your partner more, because you're more present and less caught up in past emotions.

And you get to be curious about each other again, rather than looking for proof that your old emotions are valid.

Your relationship can be a place to heal

I like to think our relationships are the perfect space to heal what wasn't healed while we were growing up and in doing so, connection is cultivated, love flourishes and two adults get to experience a healthy, thriving relationship, while changing patterns so future generations can thrive too.

Are you craving this kind of connection but you're experiencing similar dynamics in your relationship?

I'm here to help gorgeous. This is the work I do with couples. You can start individually, so you each get to understand your own patterns first, and then come together, or you can begin together, either way works and can be truly life changing.

Book a discovery session, I would love to learn more about you and what you desire for your relationship.

Arohanui, 

Trace x